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Biog
The Who, the Why, the Where and the What of Seej 500. All of these things and more will be less clear in your mind after you read this information. You may not even remember who you are. Some secrets are more than a mortal mind can contain.....
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The real question is "Did you like it?"
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Contact
seej500@seej500.com
admin@seej500.com
Due to time constraints it may not be possible to respond to your email. All messages are read, printed off, then eaten. Om nom nom.
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The Mysteries of a Man
Above All Men
or: Seej 500 is #1; all others are #2 or lower
Do you have any idea what immortality is? Seej 500 does. His longevity predates legend and myth and he still has a better ass than you. Created Last Thursday from wit, ingenuity, and sex-rays distilled from the sublimated erotic thoughts of The Vatican's hottest nuns, Seej 500 was born fully formed and fully armed. War. Famine. Pestilence. Pop-up cards. All of these things and more are his creations. He is your ancestor and your descendant. He speaks in riddles and acts in tautologies, but through these the truth can be divined. Over nine thousand years ago he decided to make music. Having honed his musical skills he went on to seduce your mother, fathering all those step-siblings you don't know about yet. Seej 500 is magick. Seej 500 is scientifick. Seej 500 is charming and your parents would think you'd finally met The One if you were to bring him home. This will eventually happen when he gets to your name on his list. Your parents, however, will be wrong. Seej 500 doesn't believe in The One. Seej 500 is a bounder and a cad. And a slut. Seej 500 finds it amusing that this merely provokes your lust.
Seej 500 will patronise you. In other places he will cheat you. He will lie to you but he will lie to himself as well. You will, however, see through his lies and grasp the shining truth within. He will trap himself in his own pretensions. His insights will be shot through with distort rays and he will revel in his own inconsistencies. If parts get too boring just fast forward - all the way to the end if need be (hat; *tipped* - you know what's gone).
Here are some facts about Seej 500. All have been verified by independant experts, who then all died in suspicious circumstances. Seej 500 has a map of the world, and a drawing pin in each of their graves. The pattern the drawing pins make is according to his sublime design. It is in the shape of a cock. This amuses Seej 500.
Facts
Seej 500 is always hanging in a Buffalo Stance.
Seej 500 is wetting the system. Like water hitting the ground, sinking in. Waking up. Wake up. Stay awake. Survive. Evade. Resist. Escape.
Seej 500 is worming his way into the affections of your friends. Why can't they see what a manipulative back-stabbing bastard he is?
Seej 500 is waging a campaign of terror against you. Psychologically. Also; you look fat in those pants.
Seej 500 is the cheat code for life.
Seej 500 is what it's like to have sex with beer.
Seej 500 is a weapon disguised as The World's Sexiest Man.
Seej 500 is carrying a laser gun and a normal gun, just in case you think you're clever and have a mirror. Zap Zap! Hmm. Bang! That's how you conquer planets.
Seej 500 is producing a distinctive hook echo on Doppler radar.
Seej 500 is made of bosons, not fermions. Fear his integer spin as he occupies your quantum state!
Seej 500 is releasing spiders through your letterbox right now.
Seej 500 is extending his telomeres far beyond human-normal.
Seej 500 is the [primary/pure/primordial] Self, [bound/analogous/identical] to the Ultimate Reality. Tat Tvam Asi.
Seej 500 is turning the beat around. He loves to feel percussion. He's turning it upside down. He loves to feel percussion. Loves to feel it.
Seej 500 is watching you from inside your blood.
Seej 500 is constructing something terrible in the basement.....
Seej 500 is considered by his members to be the third emergency service.
Seej 500 is wearing apple-bottom jeans; boots with the fur. Got the whole club looking at her.
Seej 500 is better than you. That's why the rules are different for him.
Seej 500 is a hustler, baby. He just wants you to know. It ain't where he been, it's where he's 'bout to go.
Seej 500 is extending his proboscis into your soft tissues, dissolving them with his saliva, then sucking out the mush. You are his meatshake.
Seej 500 is thinking of you. Murderously.
Seej 500 is going back to where the streets started, fool!
Seej 500 is drinking Sterno to be ready for the Odd Man Hypothesis.
Seej 500 is stood the other side of a line you can never cross.
Seej 500 is a bad influence on you, young lady.
Seej 500 is syncopated.
Seej 500 is rooting through your underwear drawer right now.
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....strobe effects in effect....
