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   It Takes More Than Belief

or: You Don't Deserve Any More Than You Earn

Grumpy mood. Stumbled across this piece of craziness reciting the old mantra that "If you just believe in yourself, anything is possible."

Bullshit.

BULL. SHIT.

Man, I loathe that phrase. Not because it gives people hope. Not at all; hope is a good, positive thing, and instilling it in people should be applauded.

No, that phrase gives people false hope. Hope that will be, inevitably, dashed against the rocks of certainty.

You might argue "But Seej, isn't false hope better than no hope at all?"

Well, yes, if it's a matter of life and death. But I'm struggling to think of an example where such hope could really, honestly, 100% be false.

But if it's the false hope that you've really got a shot at impressing Simon Cowell with your singing voice, then no. No, in that instance false hope is demonstrably destructive. You only have to watch the opening auditions of X-Factor, Britain's Got Talent, or American Idol to see the damaging effects of false hope. Any parent who encourages their deluded, tone-deaf, weaktarded spawn to go stand in front of Cowell and his panel on international TV (because these shows are syndicated worldwide*), in front of an audience of millions, and humiliate themselves with their obvious and glaring lack of ability, only has themselves to blame when the dumb kid is publicly mocked, shot down and barrels out of the room in floods of tears. I mean, fuuuck; that's gotta be a pretty damn traumatic experience.

It's something that gets repeated so damn much on talent shows that they should get it on t-shirts. But when whoever is declared the winner at the end of the season says "If you just believe in yourself, anything is possible," have they really considered what they're saying? Essentially, they're saying "That guy who came second? He failed not because I was more talented, more beautiful, more charming and witty and wonderful and popular with the fans than he was. No, he failed because he didn't believe in himself enough."

Er, what?

I've seen enough of these shows to know that the winner is not decided by their own self-belief. If that was true then we could skip the singing part altogether, issue a psychological test to assess self-belief, and get the whole thing over and done with in a single half-hour show. "Here is your Christmas #1 artist everybody! You will go out and buy her records solely because we have scientifically proven she believes in herself more than anyone else that we saw today! This is how Pop Music works! Do not question our logic!"

But, obviously, that's not how it works. Yes, self-belief may contribute to a good performance, but it's far from the only factor involved, and it's not even the most important factor.

I don't blame the X Factor contestants for spouting this crap though. They've been brought up on it. Without ever thinking it through, they've been subjected to an endless stream of people saying it over and over and over their whole lives. When they finally achieve success they naturally assume it was down to this magical believing-in-themselves that they've been hearing so much about.

I've heard it from actors. From comedians. But you know who seems to spout it the most? Musicians. In fact, to narrow the field even more, you know which musicians seem to say it over and over? Female vocalists from America (though it's use is becoming more widespread over here).

Let's pick on one. Let's pick on Britney Spears. I'm sure, if you close your eyes and think back to a time before she kissed Madonna and was transformed from a beautiful virginal wank-fantasy into a strung-out nut-case and then a recovering strung-out nut-case, if you close your eyes and imagine you can probably picture her saying this on some TV show or at an award ceremony for kids.

Look, here she is at the 2003 Teen Choice Awards:

Now picture her saying it. Picture her, stood on a stage, by a podium, smiling that un-cum-blemished smile and telling all those little kids that "If you just believe in yourself, anything is possible!"

It doesn't matter whether she did or didn't do this at this awards ceremony. It doesn't matter whether she's ever said it at all. She was still a poster-girl for the whole ideal. This little girl from some bumblefuck town in the South believed in herself, and hey presto; she's the number one vagina all guys want to see (little did they know, they'd get their wish soon enough, and it would be ruined).

Except that isn't the story.

For a start, she had talent. Way, way back, she had talent. Look:

She wore some ugly dresses, but holy shit could she ever sing before her age was even in double figures.

And this brings us onto the second reason why she's successful. While you were still playing with Transformers or Barbie, Britney was working. Auditioned for Disney aged eight. Told she was too young, but got an agent and spent her summers (while you were doing skids on your BMX or climbing trees or something) at a pro performing arts school in New York and doing off-Broadway productions. Did Disney aged 12-13. Managed a whole year in high school, before working on her career some more. Joined some shitty girl-band aged 16. Then got a solo deal with Jive and began a tour of the US.

By the time she was sixteen.

In the same amount of time I'd earned some GCSEs which I probably could've done better in. Oh, and finally kissed a girl. I imagine your life isn't hugely different. Britney deserved pop-stardom because not only was she talented, but she'd been working her ass off at it for fucking years.

Yet people seem to feel entitled to success if they just believe in themselves. If I was Britney I suspect I'd find that mildly annoying. "And wouldn't you say," the TV presenter would say to me, "that if these young people just believe in themselves, then they could follow in your footsteps?"

"Fuck no, Diane," I'd say** to the presenter, regardless of whether that was her name or not, "I'd say that if these young people want to follow in my footsteps then they're already five years of getting-up-early-to-go-to-vocal-training behind schedule. They need to get off their over-entitled asses and go seize the day; seize it by the damn throat!"

"And also, that one, that one right there, is waaaay too fucking ugly to be a pop star." And then I'd take a slug from my Britney Hipflask (in stores this holiday season kids), and flounce off stage. ***

This highlights a final point. It isn't strictly necessary for you to be beautiful, but it certainly helps. Likewise, you can be a charisma vacuum (Leona, sorry), but being able to sparkle when there's a camera on you or an audience in front of you is a boon for any performer.

I think of all this as Seej's Rules For Fame. Because I am arrogant and egotistical and like putting my name on stuff. It goes like this;

To be sustainably famous in any field of celebrity, and not some flash in the pan or novelty act, you must have at least two of the following three things:

• Talent
• Looks
• Charisma

You must also work really bloody hard, or be extremely lucky and in the right place at the right time, or have parents who've already done all the hard work for you. But work on the assumption that you're at least gonna have to do a fair amount of hard slog, and smile while you're doing it.

Even the X Factor winners have had to work bloody hard over a short period of time to get where they are, and have at least two of the above criteria. And they then have to continue toiling away just to tread water, let alone to succeed beyond their debut single (something which no-one had figured out properly when Pop Idol first hit our screens, hence the lack of career-persistence of many of those early acts). In conclusion, I'm going to scream the next time I hear someone trot out the words "If you just believe in yourself, anything is possible." Don't you dare. Don't you dare.

Seej 500

Yorkshire, UK, 10/11/2009

*UK X-Factor is, I'm told, syndicated via the Dish network, and is of course available via YouTube.

**This is probably a tiny contributing factor as to why I am not Britney Spears.

***I quite enjoyed my brief fantasy of being Britney Spears, all the same. Though it's worth noting that I was publicly drinking in the daytime on TV after just thirty seconds of fantasy, so this too is probably a contributing factor to me not being Britney Spears.

This article was written by Seej 500 and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution - NonCommercial - NoDerivs 2.0 England & Wales License.

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